I've spent a lot of time thinking about this very topic, coming at it from many vantage points and hoping that I would find the answers that I still continue to seek. I have acknowledged that I am broken...not beyond repair but broken all the same.
As an abuse survivor, I don't think about sex the same way that other men do. It surfaces on a daily basis in my interactions with every man I encounter starting with the man I married to men that I meet regardless of their orientation. Admitting this defect of character because of my trauma has allowed me the opportunity to address it and do some deep digging as to why my brain is hardwired this way. I also wondered if our society in general plays a role in this since we are bombarded with images of raw sexuality in what we read, what we see on television, and what we watch in movies.
I had to figure out how much of what I felt was directly related to that and if so, does it exacerbate the rewiring of my mind because of the trauma I suffered?
At one point, it was so important to me for any man that I found attractive, for them to find me just as attractive. Was this an ego thing? Maybe. But if it were just about the ego, wouldn't my loving husband be enough? The answer of course is yes, so this brings me to the trauma that happened to me so long ago and how it changed my way of thinking. Each abuser found me desirable but since they knew nothing about me other than I was a child, that was enough for them. They weren't seeing me as much as they were seeing an object of gratification for the moment because to an abuser, it really is all about opportunity and circumstance. I understand this now but it doesn't negate the rewiring of my mind.
In the moments of my trauma I heard the message that my physical appearance was the most important thing about me. It didn't matter what I felt, thought or believed. The value was placed squarely on my face and body.
I was wildly inappropriate growing up. I carried a secret that I didn't know how to share even if I wanted to. Being 13 years old and trying to unpack all of this emotional and mental baggage while negotiating the waters of a neighborhood that could at times be a minefield with no male safety net was harrowing. I lived most of my preteen life in fear, hiding the shame of what was done all while becoming sexually aware, ready to explore what I liked as well as what I didn't.
And yet life has a peculiar way of confusing a young mind because of the images of raw sexuality mixed with the need for instant gratification.
My trauma haunted me, always existing in my inner-space like an invisible ghost that simply wouldn't go away no matter how many times I tried to ignore or pray it away. It was a part of me. It was the way I thought...but why was it the way I thought? The answer is everything I said and more. It will take more than my simply wishing this away. It's going to take some serious work because there is so much more that was lost as a result of the events that took place when I was younger. My self-image was compromised; my self-esteem was compromised; who I wanted to be was compromised and what I needed to grow into the man that God wanted me to be was also compromised.
This is a long process. There is no singular moment of discovery. The after effects of abuse manifests itself in layers. It wounds deeply and attempts to lay claim to every aspect of your life.
But while it can't be eradicated, it can be changed. In so many ways, it has made me a better man. I understand me better because I want to understand me better. And because I want to understand me better, I want to love me better than I ever have in my life...because once I fall in love with myself, I can then be free to love others. And it is in the giving and receiving of that love that makes the world better for us all.
~ J.L. Whitehead
Comments